Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Now We Wait.
Hi all.
I went back to work today. And though I was not thrilled, it was better than agonizing in the surgery waiting room while they cut on Sophia. Sophia's surgery being postponed has me thinking about how mentally prepared I am for it. I think yesterday was a good exercise/dry run for what is inevitable. And though I cannot think of any preparation that I haven't already done. This has left me a little better prepared than I would have been if we were having surgery today.
The hardest part of it, is that Sophia is doing better right now than she ever has. This is great in almost every way that I can think of. But, it prevents me from dealing with the surgery in a way that would be easier. It isn't as easy to say, "well she is really sick, so she really needs this surgery". Not that this isn't true. It just isn't apparent.
I am just saying, in weakness, I think, "does she really have to do this?" "She is doing so well."
I guess though, I understand that she does really need to do this. I just wish there was a way I could communicate it to her.
In one way, I understand that this is just part of her experience. It is not inherently a good or bad thing. But as a parent, I wish I could take on all the suffering for her. As a spiritual practitioner, I really wish I could take on the suffering of all beings. But, this experience, along with much of the current world events, make this aspiration much less abstract than it has been in the past. I suppose this is beneficial, but it is difficult none the less.
Thanks-Michael
I went back to work today. And though I was not thrilled, it was better than agonizing in the surgery waiting room while they cut on Sophia. Sophia's surgery being postponed has me thinking about how mentally prepared I am for it. I think yesterday was a good exercise/dry run for what is inevitable. And though I cannot think of any preparation that I haven't already done. This has left me a little better prepared than I would have been if we were having surgery today.
The hardest part of it, is that Sophia is doing better right now than she ever has. This is great in almost every way that I can think of. But, it prevents me from dealing with the surgery in a way that would be easier. It isn't as easy to say, "well she is really sick, so she really needs this surgery". Not that this isn't true. It just isn't apparent.
I am just saying, in weakness, I think, "does she really have to do this?" "She is doing so well."
I guess though, I understand that she does really need to do this. I just wish there was a way I could communicate it to her.
In one way, I understand that this is just part of her experience. It is not inherently a good or bad thing. But as a parent, I wish I could take on all the suffering for her. As a spiritual practitioner, I really wish I could take on the suffering of all beings. But, this experience, along with much of the current world events, make this aspiration much less abstract than it has been in the past. I suppose this is beneficial, but it is difficult none the less.
Thanks-Michael
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I have dreaded the heart surgery for a long while, not wanting to see my sweet Sophia suffer. But, when it was postponed I was not relieved because I wanted it over and her on her way to recovery.
I agree with Mike, I would love to be able to explain why she can't just laugh, make sounds, take baths, go swimming, play with her toys, do her therapy and not have to feel bad to feel good. But we all knew this was coming and now when she is at her best we can't explain to her what needs to be done so that she can experience all the normal baby activities with out becoming so very tired. Although she struggles to keep playing she cannot thrive without the much needed repair to her tiny heart.
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I agree with Mike, I would love to be able to explain why she can't just laugh, make sounds, take baths, go swimming, play with her toys, do her therapy and not have to feel bad to feel good. But we all knew this was coming and now when she is at her best we can't explain to her what needs to be done so that she can experience all the normal baby activities with out becoming so very tired. Although she struggles to keep playing she cannot thrive without the much needed repair to her tiny heart.
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: 9/15/2005 3:04 PM
: 9/15/2005 3:04 PM << Home
