Wisdom Heart

I find myself lately drifting into a sort of mourning. I feel these thoughts a little bit misplaced. After all, Sophia is doing just fine at the moment. I really shouldn't let the first analysis of the cath have such a strong effect on me.
It isn't like I am obsessed with Sophia's dying. It is just it seems like a more real possibility than before. I should have understood this as a possibility all along. We are all going to die sometime and there is really no way to know when. Sophia will die also and there is no way to know if it will be soon or much later. I know this. Really I do. I completely accept both the inevitability and unpredictability of death. I even see it as an integral part of living.
In the past I mostly contemplated impermanence in relation to my own life. It was seen as this ever looming specter that could strike at anytime taking full advantage of my procrastination and thus not allowing me to complete the purpose of my life. I have literally spent hours with this contemplation and I accept the inevitability and unpredictability of my own demise.
What I have trouble accepting and understanding is how to accept Sophia's life being brought to a premature conclusion. She hasn't had the opportunity to understand the purpose of her life. She is lacking the volition and instruction to realize the potential of her precious existence.
Perhaps, this is pointless worry. In fact, I know this type of worry and speculation is useless. And as I write these words, I realize the gifts I have received from Sophia. She has been an essential component in helping me discover the wisdom and compassion that is essential to the latent good in each and everyone of us.
Maybe, it isn't necessary she purposefully direct her life. After all, she is reflexively loving and kind. She almost instinctively accepts her situation and rarely protests or complains. She has patience that far exceeds that of most children her age. And without revealing too much parental bias, she seems to have a real wisdom about her. Honestly, she has taught me so much more than I will ever be able to teach her.
Though I cannot validate any overall usefulness of worry, I felt it was somewhat useful in illustrating the thoughts and feelings of at least this CHD parent. I don't think parents of healthy children have to face so directly the possibility of losing their children. Because of the conspicuousness of Sophia's mortality, I am compelled to make the most of the time I have with her. And, to the best of my abilities, I avoid doing anything that could give rise to regret. I would never wish our situation on anyone else, but I willingly accept it. And perhaps through this blog, others can learn from our experiences without having to face the hardships directly.